Still Small Voice
Back on track... again
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If you've been looking at my Flickr album recently you'll notice a lot of pictures of trees, clouds, puddles, flowers and other natural things. God's still small voice has been calling to me through them. I've been far from God for a while now, sinning in many spectacular ways and living just like a non-christian. My heart was hard as well because though I knew I needed to turn and repent, I didn't really feel sorry.
I went for a walk and was keenly aware (photographer's eye perhaps?) of the natural things all around me. And it made me see how man has tried so hard to concrete over nature, but nature still prevails, growing through cracks, pushing up its buds through gaps in fences, flowering even when it is surrounded by rubbish and debris. It's like that with God. We can tarmac over our hearts as much as we want, try and hide Him away and ignore Him, but He persists, and He won't give up, because of His great love for us.
And no matter how much we try and ignore Him, He will break through.
This morning I could ignore Him no longer, and got down on my knees. It took me a while to break through, because the devil was lying to me about the fact that I couldn't break through, that I wasn't sorry enough for my sin.... so I read the passage in Matthew about Jesus' trial and crucifiction. My heart has trouble staying hard when I read those passages.
I prayed many things, including asking Him to help me change my behaviour, as some of my sins were becoming habitual. I also prayed that I would be a better ambassador of the things He has given me: Job, flat, money, friends. I'm not being a good ambassador of those at the moment, and I have been living as a slave to the sinful nature. Truth is, I don't WANT to live that life, and although it's seems the easy road it leaves me feeling so empty and worthless.
I want to walk the narrow path, even if it's not always easy, because that's what living really means. Sounds cliched, and to many, probably hard to comprehend, but, if you stay away and ignore someone you are deeply in love with, how do you feel? Empty, right? Pointless... This is exactly the same in every way.